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| I have just finished Donald Miller's latest book: A Million Miles In A Thousand Years. It was an easy read, I read a few chapters of it towards the end of our road trip and the bulk of it in the last few days. The book is about the idea of story, contemplating living a good story versus a bad one. Naturally I began to think about my life and about the story I'm living and was relieved at my conclusion that I'm living a good one.
On Friday, Jon asked me where I would live if I could live anywhere in the world for the next year. I don't think I even paused to think, "San Francisco," I replied.
It's almost impossible to describe how much I feel I have changed in the past year, the healing and growth that God has brought to my life through the community I have been a part of. It has been beautiful and I am insanely thankful for it.
It isn't unusual for a laugh to escape me as I drift to sleep on my bed in my little closet, remembering amusing conversations or replaying funny scenes and exchanges between my friends and I from that day.
Life is good, and different from what it once was. Which leads me to say what I've been thinking for quite some time now...
This will probably be my last post on this blog. I no longer feel much of a need to write random updates or discuss the weather or whatever nonsense I write about. My friends here know pretty much everything about me and I no longer find it necessary to write about such things.
I remember reading a book about Afghans last year, about how they live their lives together, how they make decisions communally versus independently, and how they rarely have time to themselves. That really struck a chord in me and I thought it was beautiful.
And this is how my life looks now. When I have something on my mind I discuss it with my friends for hours on end, I go to the park and to the farmer's market with them, we sing together, and write poetry and make pizza, and go hiking in the headlands, and eat burritos, and pray together. Of course I still have moments and hours to myself, but I don't feel desperate for them in the same way I once did. I feel more alive with every day and have this sense that these are the days that I will look back upon with a smile someday when I'm old and gray. I will think to myself, "Those were the days."
In high school I always put this pressure on myself to have fun and to make the most of my time. I knew I only had four years and that I could never go back. I wanted to be able to look back upon them and know that I had the time of my life, but it didn't really work out that way. And that's okay.
New Haven and Ohio and Boston were all simultaneously wonderful and pretty difficult each in their own way. But everything has led up to San Francisco...and my time here has been really good.
All this to say. This blog has seen me through those days but despite the change I have somehow found myself still writing in the same way that I once did. It might be time for something new. | | |
| I woke up to our first rain in a couple of weeks. We have had only sun, blue skies, and...well, lots of wind. I am coming to believe that San Francisco has an official windy season where gusts of wind come barreling down the streets and then suddenly blowing back the other direction at high speeds. And it only gets worse as the day progresses.
But I don't mind having a rainy day every now and then. Especially when you look up at the sky and you can see light behind that thin layer of clouds. The day still feels bright enough, just a bit drizzly.
The weather overall has been taking a turn for the better, but this also means that my beloved Bernal Hill is already losing her emerald green color, turning towards shades of brown every day. This concept horrified me last year. "What is happening?!", I thought to myself. "It's summer - it's supposed to be green!!" But no. That's not how things work in California. It is still a bit sad for me, but at least this year I knew it was coming. I mentally prepared myself.
May is a good month. | | |
| Today the hours passed by me slowly. It was as if I willed time to slow down, as if I needed it to, as if I have been running and forgot to stop. I deliberately devoted segments of time to this and that, slowly going about my activities and taking frequent pauses to breathe, acknowledge God, and beware of his presence. | | |
| Sarah and I went for another of our rambling walks around the Mission late Friday night. It was filled with more boutique stopping, window shopping, and was finished off with White Russians (that I've been craving for months!) at Andalu. One of the highlights was sitting in the park near an accordion player, listening to Sarah read her poetry, lying on my back, looking up into the night sky, and noticing the perfect arch of the palm tree's branches.
As we walked I mentioned the last post I had written and then realized I haven't written since then. So much has happened in my little life since last month. We had our first show, I went to AZ for my mom's 50th birthday, went to Santa Cruz for a silent retreat, saw Beach House at Bimbo's and Jonsi at Amoeba, Paula and I have started planning a road trip up to Vancouver for May, and I just bought my tickets to MI for a week in the summer which includes a day trip to Chicago with Rissa. So many exciting things. Coupled with a growing list of good books I've been reading, movies I've watched, and great music I've been listening to. Tripled with a lot of internal/spiritual growth that I've been experiencing.
There is so much to say that it's overwhelming when I sit down to write. But I guess I could sum up my current situation this way:
I am thankful for my community. With every passing week, I am realizing that these are my people, I am there for them and they are there for me. We create rhythms and gatherings in which we can live our lives and find God together, it is beautiful.
I love my house-mate, Tracy. She is such a wonderful person to come home to after work every day and to hang out with.
The Mighty (the scooter's official name) is finally equipped for passengers. I bought a second helmet last week and have been taking my friend's for rides around the city. So fun.
My job is good. Annika is saying more and more words every week. She calls me Yeah-Yeah. At first it was Yeah-Yeah-Yeah, as in repeating the syllables of my name, but then she shortened it to Yeah-Yeah. A couple of weeks ago she came running towards me. I put my arms out to pick her up and hug her and she patted my arm, "I love Yeah-Yeah." My eyes instantly swelled with tears. I am one lucky nanny.
I am thinking about future stuff - will update when I have more information to offer.
Chain of Lakes has our second show this Friday at a laundromat/cafe/bar. We get paid in laundry tokens and free drinks and food, all of which I am totally down for. Should be a good time.
And that's pretty much it. I'm pretty happy these days. And surprisingly more and more extroverted with every passing week. I have spent an increasing amount of time with people ever since living in San Francisco and every day am becoming more and more inclusive in my approach to community/friendships. All of this also means that I've become ridiculously busy, but it's so good. I am learning to find my voice in situations that I would normally lose myself in. I move a little slower than I once did, I feel a little clearer in what I believe, a little more opinionated (for better or worse), and am learning to understand love in new ways. I feel like I'm becoming more stable, a little older, a little freer, a lot more full of life. For all of these things I credit God, my community, and the grand city of San Francisco. | | |
| Tonight Sarah and I had dinner at Dosa followed by fig frozen yogurt at the little place down the street - absolutely scrumptious. These delightful experiences were proceeded by wandering around the Mission, stopping in little boutiques, vintage resale shops, art galleries, etc. all the while talking about life, the ups and the downs, and how God is present in it all.
We walked block after block, talking, pausing in front of store fronts, pondering what it means to love and be loved, what it means to give and to take, how it feels to be young and feel old.
Our journey reminded me of the many Friday nights Christine and I would walk for hours around Boston, talking, sitting in the Public Garden, walking some more, and finally picking a restaurant that we both agreed was perfect for that night. Those nights are some of my favorite memories. And I was more than happy to relive them this evening.
Over my last trip to Boston this past summer I met up with my friend Steph. We walked along the Charles River as we caught up. And somewhere along the way, she stopped and said, "I think this is what we're meant to do. Walk and talk with one another about our lives. This seems so natural and so right." That statement stuck with me. I believe it to be true. I think if Jesus was to visit earth in bodily form again, he would be walking with us around the city, along the river, in the woods, on the farm, and wherever else we might find ourselves. He would be talking to us about love and peace, beauty and rest, healing and wholeness, truth and forgiveness.
Most of life comes down to being present, being in those moments with your friends...being present with God. Knowing yourself and awareness seem to be key. That is why I want to incorporate the practice of Examen into my daily rhythms:
1. Recall that you are in the presence of God
2. Spend a moment looking over your day with gratitude for this day's gifts
3. Ask God to show you your actions, attitudes, and motivations
4. Review your day in whole
5. Talk to Jesus | | |
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