|
angelaferrara
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Angela
Interests: music, books, poetry, road trips, traveling, the world, photography, movies, the ocean, New England, having good times...
Expertise: wanderlust
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
12/1/2005
|
|
| [processing, processing, processing.]A few hours went by this afternoon in which I somehow wasn't consumed with thoughts about life, vision, future. I began thinking "normal" thoughts again and had to remind myself to stay focused, though the break was nice. I have done some fairly intensive soul-searching the last few days, a lot of writing, a lot of creating space in my head, and talking to certain people. I think I am coming to mini-conclusions at a time and while I'll never have complete answers, I feel like things are starting to make a little more sense.
The future of my college career at Mills is hanging precariously on a limb. I don't think I can justify taking $25,000 out in loans for two years to graduate with a piece of paper and some "credentials". This is not to say that I won't get my bachelors degree. I talked to San Francisco State University today and found out that tuition is only $2,034 a semester. This is much more agreeable. I think it would kill me if upon graduation I realized I had to get a job regardless of whether or not it interested me, had to make large sums of money, had to be tied down, etc. for who knows how long. To be denied the opportunity to dream and go places and try new things. That is not something I would look forward to.
I don't want to get ahead of myself here - I have not made any final decisions about anything. But in this very moment it doesn't make much sense in my head to go to a private university...or to pick up and leave San Francisco and all of the wonderful people in my life for a job in Chicago - however great it may be...or to move half-way across the world to live in Central Asia. Maybe it would be better to go to a state school, to be open about the possibility of moving back to the midwest someday down the road, and to pray that someone will go with me to Central Asia in a few years.
Thank you, dear reader, for bearing with me during this reconfiguration. | | |
| [the kingdom of God is at hand/sorry this post is so long/the never ending adventure.]Immediately following yesterday's post I began my daily job search. After stating my open-mindedness about going or not going to school, I decided to check out World Relief's job board. They are a faith based humanitarian aid organization that I have respected for a long time. They have an available job as a Refugee Services Receptionist that jumped out at me. And, get this, it's in Chicago....oh the midwest, you're calling my name. I spent all day writing a cover letter, resume, and filling out the semi-lengthy application. Of course this only served to spur more thoughts and questions: Would I really pick up and move to Chicago? Would I be okay with winter? Would I make as good friends as I've made in SF? Can I handle leaving my friends here? What is really important to me? Then, on the other hand, Is it sustainable for me to live in SF? Can I afford it? Can I find a meaningful job here if I decide not to go to school? The endless questions...I was given hope though that if I decide not to get a degree right now that there are jobs out there that interest me and which could provide space for me to move up in the world of cross-cultural exchange and service.
This morning I woke up and took the 27 bus to the Mission to go to Sarah's house with Rachael for brunch. I had a difficult time being fully present as my mind was still swirling with thoughts and questions and I didn't have any interest in talking about it. Everyone always tries to offer solutions to my conundrums and while I usually appreciate my friend's thoughts, sometimes I need to let my own thoughts settle in my head before letting other's opinions intrude on the process.
A couple hours later I took the bus back. A crazy lady sat next to me. She kept spraying some Lysol something or other into her bag and making this gurgly laughing sound. Then a crazy man came and sat behind me. He muttered about something or other under his breath the entire way. I kept trying to catch what he was saying, but to be completely honest I have no clue what he getting at and he probably doesn't either.
Back at home I spent a long time looking for plane tickets to go visit my best friend from college in PA. She offered to help pay for a huge chunk of the ticket, which is so very kind of her. I had a hard time finding a good ticket and got kind of frustrated about it. So I walked to Yerba Buena to bask in the sun, journal, pray, and read about Tajikistan. It was probably the best thing I could've done. Getting my thoughts out of my head and onto paper cleared a lot of space in my mind to think a bit more clearly. I asked God to help me make good decisions because it all just feels so overwhelming right now.
I walked back home and looked at tickets again and finally picked one I thought would work really well and got it - central PA here I come...two weeks from today! It will be so good to see Paula. Even though we've been apart for years we've seemed to follow a similar spiritual journey and it's always so good to - just be - with her.
I went downstairs to see what the YWAM folk were up to and ended up eating leftover pizza with them, which was great because I still haven't gone grocery shopping yet. Towards the end Kate asked me if I wanted to go for a walk with her. We walked to the end of Market St., down Embarcadero, passed under the Bay Bridge and walked a while longer until we turned around. We talked and talked about life and God and love. "I just love the idea that the kingdom of God is at hand," she said. And that was exactly what I needed to be reminded of. That God is all about bringing heaven to earth now. Being stressed about life is not worth it. Heaven on earth is.
Who knows why I don't have a job yet. I have applied to dozen of nanny jobs, a hostel job, a summer program instructor job, pet sitting jobs, and other random stuff...and nothing. I've never been in this position before. And I'm trying to figure out what all this means. Meanwhile, my summer is filling up:
July 17-19 Yosemite
July 22-28 PA with Paula
Aug 1-2 retreat
Aug 12-21 Boston
Aug 22 Orientation?
Hmmm. Orientation, or Kazhakstan? I looked at jobs today in Central Asia teaching English and was tempted. What is more affective right now: sitting in a classroom or going somewhere? Surely any experience abroad is only a positive thing. And the thought of it makes my heart beat wildly. Questions: Can I go it alone? Definitely not preferable. Would it be hard? Yes. Would I love it? Yes.
Such an interesting journey. In two months I could either be in Chicago, Kazakhstan, or still in San Francisco - either securing a job or taking classes. As my dad would say, "What an adventure!" | | |
| [this is how my brain works when i think about the future.]Sometimes I wish I could be a simple midwest girl where I didn't feel pressure to pretend to be smarter than I really am. To live in the middle of a forest or in a little neighborhood. Go fishing on the weekends, work on a farm, learn how to play the banjo, bake homemade bread, grow a little herb garden, have a family, go swimming with my kids during the day, colour in colouring books with them when they can't sleep at night, and go camping on the weekends. (What am I doing in San Francisco?!)
Every day I question whether or not I'm supposed to go to school. It drives me mad and I wish I could just go without any reservations, but at this point I'm not convinced that an education is going to help me - especially at it's high cost. I don't want to graduate with all of these loans to pay off when all I'll want to do is go straight to grad school or move to a remote area in Central Asia to study the land and culture and be with the people. But I'm not trotting off to Central Asia by myself, so we'll see about that. Oh, the timing of it all.
At the same time I don't want to keep working at coffee shops and taking care of other people's kids. I've come up against a wall in finding other work without a bachelors degree. Who knows what opportunities it could afford, all the possibilities of where it could lead. I could be a French teacher, or teach English as a foreign language, or work for the UN or the government as an anthropologist, or get involved in some humanitarian aid endeavor, or write a book.
There are a lot of unknowns in my life: What role will music play in my life? When will I get married? Where will I live? Will I travel? Will I have a career? What would it be?
At this point all I can do is keep trusting, keep asking questions, and keep moving forward. | | |
| [the only thing i didn't get to do was ride the dutchmobile.]It hasn't been that that long since my last update, but long enough that MUNI/BART decided to raise bus fare from $1.50 to $2.00, monthly tickets from $45 to $65 and a one-way trip to the airport from $5.35 to $8.10. Outrageous, I say, outrageous!
All day long I peered out my window, watching the terrain change from plains and fields, to snow capped mountains and khaki coloured deserts, until at long last I descended upon the browning peninsula that is San Francisco in the summer. Michigan was lovely. It was wonderful to see my family and all my relatives and to be back in Traverse City during the summer - even though it was far too short. One week doesn't quite do it. But despite the short amount of time that I was there, I was able to do a lot thanks to my aunt who scheduled quite the array of fun and games - hurrah for the schedule! - and for the free time in which I was able to go boating, swimming, see Good Harbor Beach with my parents, go for walks, soak in the nature, learn the art of roasting marshmallows over the bonfire, sing improv songs with grandma, lie in the grass, sleep, etc. etc. Not to mention the surprise 50th anniversary party we threw for my grandparents!! It was quite the production - poodle skirts and all. Such good memories.
Being back in San Francisco is kind of surreal. I was fully present in Michigan. I think it made me forget I had a life here...but, oh, I do. Getting back into the swing of things with a phone job interview tomorrow morning, going for walks, spending time with God, working on some music stuff, hanging with friends, figuring out school/future life stuff. You know how it goes... | | |
| [there's always more to be had/there's always something to give.]Then he saw a poor widow put in two pennies. He said, "The plain truth is that this widow has given by far the largest offering today. All these others made offerings that they'll never miss; she gave extravagantly what she couldn't afford - she gave her all." | | |
|
