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angelaferrara
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Name: Angela
Interests: music, books, poetry, road trips, traveling, the world, photography, movies, the ocean, New England, having good times...
Expertise: wanderlust
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
12/1/2005
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| My latest life theory is that people go to see live music because they want to encounter God. Throughout the day yesterday I had a sense that going to see Passion Pit was going to be a spiritual experience for me, that God was going to be there. And...he was.
There's something about encountering him in silence and soliitude, but it's something entirely different when you find yourself in the middle of a huge crowd with the music loud, the room filled with its sounds. Your heartbeat increases, you're dancing, and jumping, and yelling, and singing along with your favorite lyrics. The lights are flashing, you close your eyes, you're moving, you're slowing, it's building, you're trembling, you let the music takes over. Something incredibly larger than yourself has just happened...you stand there, your ears buzzing, and all you can do is...blink.
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Lyric excerpts:
Let Your Love Grow Tall
Let your love grow tall
Let your love grow tall
Tall as the grass in the meadows
Or the dunes on the shore
Like the buildings in the city
Or your children on the floor
Like the darkness in the forest
Like my frightened worried eyes
Or the roots in the soil
Are the skies telling lies?
Eyes As Candles
Me, I cried out, God, you dared me in the dark
I felt a hush fall quietly from my spark
Make Light
So I try and I scream and I beg and I sigh
Just to prove I'm alive, and it's alright
Cause tonight there's a way I'll make light
Of my treacherous life
and, my favorite song:
I've Got Your Number
I’ve always felt so scared of all this needing
Everyone that I’ve met has been somewhat mistreated
That’s how it feels when you know that something’s wrong.
Then you came along like a swan off of the lake
You flew across my eyes and out into space,
And I ran and I crawled and I chased to get out fast.
That’s what I did…
If there’s just one thing you got to remember;
Is to write down your name and your phone number
That way I’ll have it and we’ll make something out of this mess
And if all else fails then the ship won’t set sail.
God forbid but I guess the both of us will bail
But as far as I can tell I think things will be swell.
Have you seen me cry tears like diamonds
Down and down they fly, faster and faster like the speed of our love
Batting a thousand, but a homerun crack at love
This is where I tell you that, I know love's what I need to work at
So now the two of us rely on each other
With our premonitions out in the gutter
Who would have thought that I’d make it this far
I’ll make it seem like I’m stronger but I’m quite the actor
And now I’m so caught up and I can’t escape this pattern
But when I started losing hope, there you were, there you bloomed
Have you seen me cry tears like diamonds
Down and down they fly, faster and faster like the speed of our love
Batting a thousand, but a homerun crack at love
This is where I tell you that, I know love's what I need to work at | | |
| I don't know if it's the changing of the seasons - the leaves have recently started turning yellow and red, the temperatures have begun to steadily drop, and I think the rainy season is nearly upon us - or if it's just phases of life, but all I want to do the last few days is hole up in my room, watch movies, and sleep. The thought of filling up my weekend with people and activity exhausts me.
Ironically it was just last weekend that I ran from event to event, going to the museum, hanging with friends who came in from out of town, going to see The Books, doing a bit of shopping, hiking in the headlands, lying in the sun at Dolores Park, playing piano, writing a song on my guitar, and of course feasting on Thanksgiving day. It was a pretty full weekend in every sense. I got to spend a significant amount of time with friends, take a trip out of the city to be in nature, cross a lot of things off of my To Do list, be musical, as well as spend a lot of quality time with God. Over the weekend I also began implementing practices, disciplines, and rhythms into my daily routine that I've been talking about doing for a long while now (i.e. scripture reading, prayer/meditation, physical exertion, etc.) and they have stuck with me. It's amazing how doing these things really isn't that difficult if they are scheduled in.
But back to what I was saying, I am particularly struck by the ebb and flow of my energy levels and corresponding moods, and how I just can't seem to understand how anyone would want to be so busy when I'm exhausted or on the flip side how anyone could bear to sit around when there is so much opportunity just waiting for you to make a move. I operate the same way emotionally - I can't understand why anyone could be sad when I'm insanely happy and it blows my mind that people are so smiley and excessively optimistic when I'm feeling a bit low. Even though I constantly feel a wide range of energy, emotions, etc., I seem to be able to only see the world in what I am feeling in that moment. I find that to be a bit odd. Maybe it's something I should work on. For now though I'm just going to curl up on my papasan chair with a blanket and take a nap. It will only feel like a second and then people and activity will be everywhere, that's how life goes in the city. | | |
| When I first moved to this city I often found myself saying, "I'm just a simple girl from the midwest." After hearing myself repeatedly say this, I began to wonder: why? I had never said this in Boston or anywhere else I have lived. What on earth suddenly compelled me to begin identifying myself as a midwesterner? As much as I love farm and forest, I have always gravitated to urban places as so much as residential purposes are concerned. But that's thing. I'm not exactly a city girl either. In some senses, yes. But in many ways, no. I am not in love with fashion, I don't love to always be on the go, and I hate the pressure that I always feel to be something and do something.
San Franciscans are especially extraordinary people. They love to explore, experiment, push their limits, better themselves and the world, and at the end of the day party like there's no tomorrow. Many of them consider themselves to be self-actualized and a lot of the rest of us find that we're in a constant state of self-actualization.
There are all of these stories around us that are being told every day. There's the sports announcements, the music scene, the fashion trends, the local and world news, the technological advancements, etc. The stories never pause. They're in a constant state of motion. And it is up to me which ones I choose to interact with and how much. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by it all.
Almost every day Annika and I read "Sometimes I Like To Curl Up In A Ball" and that is how I feel every now and then. I just want everything to stop. To be able to breathe fresh air. To not have to make myself be something more than what I am.
On the flip side though, I have to say I have learned a lot from San Franciscans in the short amount of time I've been here. In many respects, they know how to live a full life. Especially over the last couple weeks I have been moving into a deeper phase of Engagement. Particularly with God and music as well as the people in my life from work to friends to strangers. It has been so wonderful and life-giving to my soul.
Place can play such an important role in our lives. A friend once told me that you can find happiness anywhere, but that some places are more conducive for happiness than others, and I wholeheartedly agree. My intuition said: San Francisco. And I said: yes. It was a decision I'll never regret. Deep down I know I'm a simple girl from the midwest, but I also know that I am so much more than any label could box me into. This is a place where I can freely grow, just as growth was intended to be. | | |
| The other morning I sat in a coffee shop for twenty minutes before work, sipping my favorite tea: Mighty Leaf's Bombay Chai. My head was swirling with thoughts....
I thought back to one of my favorite years of my life, exactly a decade ago. I was fourteen years old, attending TC Christian High, learning guitar, jamming with all my friends, writing songs, and was deeply in love with God. I would go for walks with him in the acres of woods behind our house. We would talk for hours. And I swear he would say the funniest things. I remember laughing out loud in the stillness of the forest on more than one occasion. He was my best friend, the lover of my soul, and I was completely consumed with him.
As all relationships have their ups and downs, a pull towards and away from the other, so has my relationship with God gone through many different phases since then. I have gone through painful years of silence, years of asking questions, being honest, and exploring the world that I find myself in. One morning a year and a half ago I woke up and declared to myself, to God, and to the world that I was no longer a Christian. I could no longer handle the label which had so many negative connotations that came with it. That was a very momentous and liberating day for me. Removing the label didn't equate removing God from my life. Quite the opposite actually. I remember being at the Crossing last fall, kneeling at their prayer alter: "I am yours." A prayer of submission. I knew I would never have everything figured out and that while a lot of my faith was still somewhat frustrating and confusing for me, that I still loved God. The most natural thing I could think to do was give him my life. Over and over again, "I am yours, I am yours, I am yours."
As of late, I have been feeling a return to elements of that fourteen year old girl within my inner self. While I was sitting in the coffee shop I was trying to think of how I would explain all of this to someone who doesn't know God. Why am I glad he is in my life? Because he makes it better? Because I am happier? All of these answers were insufficient. And then it occurred to me. Why am I glad he is in my life? Because he is life. Period. End of sentence. He is the substance and essence of life, the very air I breathe, the green and the trees, my heart beating so loudly, the music I hear all around me every day, the beauty I can't ignore, love which cannot be contained, peace which shatters all anxiety, so much joy that it's almost unbearable, generosity so deep that I want to cry, forgiveness that goes far beyond common sense...and that is just the beginning to a very long list I could compose. I am shifting from a mantra of submission to one of embrace: "You are mine." | | |
| Around noon, I got on the muni light rail, headed inbound to downtown to do some much-awaited shopping. However, approaching Duboce St. I had a growing urge to get off and switch lines to head west to the ocean. After spending the last two weekends sick and alone in the cave that is my bedroom (I don't really have windows), I have been craving time in the sun. I think I must be becoming a true Californian. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have a sun quota that must be met every week. I wasn't sure I wanted to travel an hour all the way to the ocean but on the other hand I couldn't imagine waiting til next weekend to soak in some rays. So, I got off the J and switched to the N. There is something about riding the N all 49 blocks down Judah Street that is very relaxing and therapeutic. The sun always streams through the windows - soft, brilliant, and warm. And as every block passes, the train gets less and less crowded. Usually by the end of the ride there are just a few of us left, lost in our micro-worlds. Today I was listening to Animal Collective and reading Rilke's Book of Hours, which spoke deeply to my soul. This was my spontaneous adventure with God and I was loving every moment of it. And then, as soon as I got to the beach, I was awe-struck. I have never seen the waves that high here. And the tide was coming in all the way up to the bluffs where I was sitting. So amazing. I sat in the sun and watched the waves crashing and receding and rolling and lightly foaming...and then I laid back in the sun and listened to the thunderous bass in the background and the forefront filled with the light-hearted soprano waves singing in layers, coming and going. It was wonderful. In every way.
Here are two poems, written back to back, that I can't help coming back to:
Was irren meine Hande in den Pinseln?
Why am I reaching again for the brushes?
When I paint your portrait, God,
nothing happens.
But I can choose to feel you.
At my senses' horizon
you appear hesitantly,
like scattered islands.
Yet standing here, peering out,
I'm all the time seen by you.
The choruses of angels use up all of heaven.
There's no more room for you
in all that glory. You're living
in your very last house.
All creation holds its breath, listening within me,
because, to hear you, I keep silent.
Ich bin, du Angstlicher. Horst du mich nicht
I am, you anxious one.
Don't you sense me, ready to break
into being at your touch?
My murmurings surround you like shadowy wings.
Can't you see me standing before you
cloaked in stillness?
Hasn't my longing ripened in you
from the beginning
as fruit ripens on a branch?
I am the dream you are dreaming.
When you want to awaken, I am that wanting.
I grow strong in the beauty you behold.
And with the silence of stars I enfold
your cities made by time. | | |
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